Thinking Of My Brother On His 19th Birthday

Today is my brother Luijoe’s 19th birthday. Or it would have been, if he lived to see today.

Believe it or not, it still hurts to think about him after 11 (12?) years of him being gone. No matter where I go or what I do, he’s always in the back of my mind, as is the guilt I sometimes feel for not being a more caring, more watchful older sister to him (this is part of why I don’t want to have children of my own – there are times when I still feel responsible for his death).

I feel his loss more profoundly on his birthday more than any other day, because birthdays make me think of what could have been if he were still alive. After all, a birthday marks the passage the time and offers the promise of growth, of new adventures, new life experiences. It’s a celebration of the things you have accomplished thus far and the things you want to do in the months ahead, with the people you have learned to love and who love you back. Dead people don’t accomplish things, and they will never grow older, nor will they experience anything more than what they have already experienced in their lifetime. But they leave behind the people who loved them, and birthdays give them a chance to get together and celebrate their memories. I don’t feel very celebratory today; only sorry that I wasn’t there for him when I should have been.

In this photo, Luijoe turned 6 and celebrated with a small birthday lunch at his kindergarten, which happened to be attached to the all-girls high school I was then attending. I don’t remember this party, because I wasn’t there. There are a lot of things I wish I could have done when he was still alive, and right now I wish I thought to stop by to give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I loved him, because I would no longer have the chance to do that next year and for the rest of my life.

Right now I’m too sad to try to end this in a positive note or with some pithy inspirational quote, as all depressing blog posts must end. But if you must take anything out of reading this, take this: there are many ways to let people know that you love them besides saying “I love you” (which I feel uncomfortable saying to anyone I’m not romantically involved with). Take time out of your busy schedule to spend a few quiet moments with them. Give a quick hug or a kiss. Be there for their birthdays, graduations, or any important milestone. Be there for the hell of it. Everybody dies, and you’re going to wish you hadn’t taken their presence for granted when they’re gone.

Thoughts About A Newly Girlfriended Friend, By My Formerly Single Self

Five years ago, I was 21 and single, and one of my best friends had recently gotten into a relationship. While catching up over coffee the other night, she reminded me about a blog post I wrote in an attempt to dissect my feelings about the whole situation – me, Forever Alone, and her, newly girlfriended. I was surprised that I actually wrote about it, because my Older And Wiser Present-Day Self would never be this honest about something so personal. In a blog, no less! But there is some merit to wearing your heart on your sleeve. Posting this here to remind myself that it’s okay to be candid about what I feel for my friends (and the people I love, in general):

So now my best friend recently got boyfriended and I have conflicting emotions about it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m extremely happy for her. My fingers have been crossed ever since she told me that she was really into this guy because fuck, Cupid owes her big-time. And since I seem to be The Girl Who Can Help Resolve Romantic Dilemmas Of All Sorts (Except Her Own), I spent quite a while giving her advice and relationship pep talks like:

“You’ll never know if it will work out unless you give it a shot. Sure, there’s always the possibility that you might not be as compatible as you thought you’d be and I know you’ll be completely crushed if that happens. In which case I shall be here with a pack of tissues and my guitar. But in the instance that it does work out – it will be one of the most intense, beautiful, and enriching things you’ll ever experience in your life. The risk of heartbreak will be worth it.”

“Stop assuming things! Just because he said this and this doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you.”

“Whatever you do, do not make the same mistakes I did in my last relationship. Speak up if he does something that you don’t like. Make compromises. Don’t let him take over your life. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to break up with him if you really have to.”

On the other hand – and I’m not particularly proud to admit this – the more insensitive part of me is flailing about like a colic baby and screaming monologues. “NOOO! Why did you leave meee? We were supposed to spend our twenties being single and bitter together, then move to New York and waitress during the day and play in smoky bars at night! Who’s going to have bitter conversations with me about how men are nothing but giant assholes? Who’s going give happy couples the evil eye with me? Who’s going to be the drive-by shooter on the night we decide to assassinate every single guy that ever broke our hearts or screwed us over? Who’s going to read me Dorothy Parker’s poetry?”

I feel abandoned somewhat. I know it’s a silly thing to think because nothing really changed in terms of the way she treats me. There are times, however, when I can’t help but feel like a helpless duckling in the rain. Perhaps it’s because the last six months felt as though I was in a relationship with her, in the sense that I let myself become emotionally dependent and used to her being there for me 24/7. We cried over boys together, angsted about life-after-college together, and kept each other sane. Hell, we even say “I love you” before signing off YM every evening.

Ever since she got together with her boyfriend though, it feels as though we just broke up and we’re in that awkward stage where we’re trying to “be just friends”. And trust me, it’s very awkward. These days I can’t even look at her and her boyfriend because they’re so sweet around each other, merely glancing at them could potentially give me diabetes. Me no want diabeetus.

I’m being incredibly irrational, of course, so I’ll chalk this up to the initial panic that comes with change. Of course she’s not abandoning me. I know her and she’s not the type to leave her friends and the band to go chasing after love. Still….things just aren’t the same anymore, you know? I know that boyfriend or no, she’ll always be there for me. We work in the same place, for Christ’s sakes, so there’s really no escaping my frantic requests for a cigarette break. Still, I can’t shake off the feeling that I lost something I can’t quite name.

I hope I didn’t come across sounding like a bitter ex-girlfriend because I’m not. Abandonment issues aside, I’m rooting for them all the way because I can see that what they have is a really good thing. I’ve never seen her so happy before.

P.S. – Five years later they are still together, but I can no longer play a lick of guitar.

A Sexual Health Forum: Why Should You Care?

It’s easy to assume that you know everything there is to know about sex and your sexual well-being, especially after years of getting frisky between the sheets. But sexual health is more than just avoiding unplanned pregnancy or being free from sexually-transmitted diseases. It also means taking responsibility for your own body, your health, the decisions you make about sex, and its consequences.

Because of the political and religious stigma surrounding sex, it’s difficult to discuss sexual health issues openly and without fear of judgment. Which is why I’d like to invite everyone to attend the Sexual Health: Why Should You Care? forum this Saturday. Organized by Young Public Servants, Sex and Sensibilities and Mulat Pinoy, this forum aims to discuss various aspects of sexual health, its political and economic implications, and why these issues are relevant to everyone regardless of age or gender.

The forum is divided into four parts:

* Teeny Baby Bump will discuss not only the increase in occurrences in the Philippines, but also the ways in which educational institutions and government agencies respond to the issue.

* Controversial issues like LGBT rights and PLHIV (People Living with HIV) concerns will be explored in Stigma and Controversy.

* Most people think of sexual reproductive health as a woman’s domain and thus, only a woman’s concern. But as the male guests in the segment, Are You Man Enough? Men and Sexual Health, will tell you, sexual health is every bit a concern for men, too.

* And finally, how do parents talk to their children about sex? Is the idea of sex education in schools really unpalatable? Listen to what Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel has to say in Sex Ed: Why It Needs a Parent’s Guidance.

Sexual Health: Why Should You Care? will be held on Saturday, July 7, 2012, 2:00 to 6:00 PM at the Filipinas Heritage Library. This event is free and open to the public. RSVP on Facebook, or contact the following for more information:

Ana Santos
Web: Sex and Sensibilities.com
Email: sexandsensibilities@gmail.com
Mobile: 0917-8207277

Regina Layug Rosero
Web: MulatPinoy.ph
Email: regina@mulatpinoy.ph
Mobile: 0917-8163500

Your Money or My Soul?

A few days ago, I finally confessed to my boss that I was utterly miserable at our (wonderful) company, where I am supposed to be the SEO manager but have been doing nothing but mind-numbing, soul-crushing online marketing for the last 3 months to cover for a manager on maternity leave. (How I ended up doing SEO despite my total lack of interest in Internet marketing is a long story, but suffice to say that I thought I should get a grown-up job that offered stability and a ladder to climb.) Being constantly depressed at work made me realize that even though my job had all but killed my imagination and zest for life, I still found solace in writing and am seriously considering being a freelance magazine writer. My boss suggested that I eventually transition into a part-time position so that I can focus on my interests, a possibility that looked promising, until I crunched some numbers and realized that I may not be able to meet my expenses on a part-time salary.

On a whim I took a look at Manila Craigslist to see if there were any SEO jobs that could offer something better – specifically, part-time work that offered benefits like paid vacation days or 13th month pay. What I found instead were two job postings that are making me think twice about ditching my cushy grown-up job for an uncertain future as a magazine writer.

The first job posting was for a German company that specializes in alternative energy sources like solar power and thermal systems. There was a lot of information about their mission to find sustainable solutions, as well as a bunch of stuff about what they were looking for in their candidate. But what really caught my eye was this little requirement:

Must be willing to travel (the first 3 months of training will be held in Germany)

I have never been to Germany (or any European country for that matter). Count me interested!!!

The second job posting is for an American company looking for someone in charge of similar responsibilities that I take care of today. I was about to hit the back button when something in the fine print caught my eye:

Compensation: From 100,000 PHP Pesos to 300,000 PHP Pesos per month, depending on experience

Where do I sign up?!

Okay, now that I’m taking a closer look at these ads, I don’t really think that I am all that qualified for these positions. The German company wants someone who has a strong sense of design and knowledge of JavaScript, Illustrator, Flash, PHP, and ASP. Um, the most technical thing I can do is a bunch of Excel calculations, and I had to go through a lot of blood, sweat, and suicidal thoughts as I struggled to understand how to COUNTIF and SUMIF. The second job posting wants an “absolute expert doing deep competitive analysis” who will do this on a daily basis, a thing that I can probably learn but will get tired of doing after a while. Both jobs need someone who is committed and motivated, which I probably am not if I was so easily frustrated working with a company that has been nothing but nice to me, and currently withering at a job that requires my full-time presence and none of my creativity or imagination.

But for a brief moment there, I did flirt with the possibility of throwing my dreams aside for the chance at a better paycheck and work-related travels (Europe!). What brought me back to reality were memories of how I greeted my promotion with tears of anxiety rather than tears of joy, and thoughts of how much I’d rather defenestrate myself than spend hours uploading and tracking ads for our Adwords campaigns. I may be climbing the corporate ladder but with every rung I pass, I can’t help but wish that I were climbing a mountain, maybe, doing work that makes a different to humanity rather than our profit margins. I’d rather be deeply immersed in the creative work of writers, filmmakers, and poets, and devote hours trying to untangle the hidden meanings behind their words rather than spend a second trying to detect what’s causing the errors in our CSE feeds. What makes me think that a better-paying job somewhere else will be any more bearable? If anything, it will require more responsibility, and more long hours doing work I don’t care about.

This would be a good time to clarify that I do actually love the company that I work for and have nothing but great things to say about the culture, my managers, and my co-workers. But what I grew to realize over the last few months is this: no matter how nurturing your bosses are and how generous incentives can be for hard workers, you will never feel truly satisfied and happy with your life if the work that takes up 8 hours or more of your day is something that simply isn’t for you. I’m really happy that my boss is willing to give me a part time position even though we don’t normally hire part-timers, and I hope that this offer allows me to experience the best of both worlds. (Maybe I’ll try to negotiate for benefits?)

So for now I choose to feed my soul, though I may regret this decision if/when I stop getting a regular salary and have to resort to diving under the sofa for coins to pay my condo‘s mortgage. But if I can a) get my ass back to UP Diliman and finish my MA, b) somehow get articles published in the country’s leading magazines, c) find the fulfillment that has eluded me in the other career paths I’ve traveled on, then I wouldn’t trade my soul for all the money in the world.

Photo credit 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Shivering at the Outside Lands Music Festival

My first American music festival was everything and nothing like I thought it would be. When work took me to the Bay Area last August, I grabbed the once-in-a-lifetime chance to attend Outside Lands, San Francisco’s lively art, music, and wine festival at Golden Gate Park. I all but peed my pants with excitement as I punched in my credit card number and purchased a three-day pass. Not only will I be seeing bands I never thought I’d see live, but being at the festival meant joining a free-spirited celebration of good wine, good music, and all-around good vibes with friends I haven’t seen in a long time.

First: what to wear. I was a little obsessed with fashion then, and thought that Outside Lands would be the perfect time to bust out my feather headdress, pile on beaded necklaces, and feel the sun on my skin through a sheer chiffon dress. This was before I stepped out of the plane into the foggy chill of a San Francisco summer. I had forgotten that the weather in this city is as varied as its people, and that Golden Gate Park’s windy and foggy micro-climate becomes even more pronounced in August. Without a winter coat, I would freeze to death when the fog rolls in, so there went all my dreams of channeling Vanessa Hudgens’ festival garb.

I then made an ambitious list of all the bands I wanted to see and shared it with Klassy, who would be going to Outside Lands with me. The $200 I spent on a 3-day pass ate a huge chunk of my Third World paycheck, and I wanted to get my money’s worth by seeing as many bands as I could and experiencing everything the festival has to offer. This didn’t exactly turn out as I expected, because I failed to consider a bunch of things – namely, that the effort required to see the bands you really want to see will involve giving up seeing the bands you only sort of want to see.

Here’s what I didn’t know about music festivals: there are several stages and tents scattered across the park, and each stage hosts their own schedule of acts. If you’re lucky, all the bands you want to see will be playing at the same stage; if not, you’ll need to make your way to a different stage to see them. On a normal, non-Outside Lands weekend, getting from one stage to another would mean a nice, ten-minute stroll through meadows and towering redwood trees. But when there are 50,000 other festival goers pushing and shoving their way towards different directions, it could take you as much as 30 minutes to get to your destination.

The worst time to try moving is right after an act ends. When the music stops and roar of the crowd fades, the festival becomes a battleground between people trying to leave and people trying to snag a good spot. Anyone who doesn’t move fast enough gets swept away by the crowd, never to be seen by their friends until they manage to find each other by some miracle. Golden Gate Park’s hilly topography and wind chill factor doesn’t it any easier to navigate the distance between stages. When you’re climbing uphill in a smelly hipster sandwich, shivering despite your winter coat and three layers of clothes, you start asking yourself if seeing this next band was really worth leaving your nice, cozy spot behind.

But when the stage lights up and the musicians from your iPod come out from the wings, it’s easy to forget the grueling trek you took just to see them. The thrill of finally seeing your favorite artists in the flesh gives you all the energy you need to enjoy their set. Tired feet get up to dance, and for as long as the music plays, nothing else matters, not even the biting cold. Even though Outside Lands had too much going on to be the chill hippie gathering of free love that I imagined it to be, the festival was easily the highlight of my trip and I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything else in the world. Below, a quick recap of the artists I saw:

Phantogram

Klassy and I reached Outside Lands in the middle of Phantogram’s set, but I was too busy taking in the environment to pay much attention to the music. We stayed a few minutes to listen to Mouthful of Diamonds before moving on to the main stage.

MGMT

Confession: I never really listened to MGMT until before I left for San Francisco, and I don’t know why it took me this long to appreciate them. I think it’s because I tried listening to them once, way after college, and found myself unable to relate to their youthful recklessness. Onstage, the band didn’t interact with the audience much, but they gave a lively performance that the crowd loved despite their aloofness. Some of their songs were pretty enjoyable to listen live, particularly Time to Pretend and Weekend Wars, but the rest of MGMT’s set sounded like they’d be best enjoyed with a good buzz rather than stone-cold sober (which I was at the time – but not for long).

Best Coast

Best Coast is one of those bands that people either hate or love, and I’m quite the fan of their low-fi surf-pop approach to music. Listening to them feels like a perfect day at the beach, or the exciting start of a sunny road trip. In concert, Best Coast sounds louder and more energetic than their studio recordings, which is pretty impressive when you consider that stage they were playing at was entirely solar-powered. I loved every song they played, but felt a little sad that they didn’t include When I’m With You in the set list (which apparently has an official music video now!).

The Shins

The afternoon had already given way to a calm starry evening by the time we made our way to see The Shins; somehow, it felt just right to cap off the day with them. We sat on a hill to get a better view of the stage and enjoy the music without feeling the crush of the crowd. I felt goosebumps rise when they started to play Caring is Creepy, and the crowd welcomed them with a euphoric roar that gradually died down and gave way to singing.One of the best surprises for the evening was their performance of a new song that will be in their next album (they will have a new album!), and I have no idea what the title is but I loved every single note.

Klassy and I were getting pretty exhausted at this point, and we both agreed that we should probably try to get out of the park before everyone else does. We made our way out just as The Shins began playing the opening notes of New Slang, and even though there were a lot of scary drunks nearby I had to stop, listen, and try to preserve the moment in my memory forever. I have never felt so happy about seeing an artist perform live.

STRFKR

We woke up at noon on Saturday and quickly made our way to Golden Gate Park to catch Starfucker (STRFKR) at my insistence. It was apparently the biggest crowd they have ever played for, or so they nervously confessed, before they blew the audience away with their unique brand of psychedelic synth-pop. The entire set was fun, dancy, and fresh, their live and pre-recorded material in perfect synchronization. Towards the end, I had to leave the crowd and find bottled water for my parched throat, but that didn’t keep me from enjoying their finale, a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

Arcade Fire and The Black Keys

A visit to the wine tent had me tipsy and sitting out the rest of Arcade Fire’s performance. I’m not really a fan or familiar with their music, and there isn’t much else I can say about their set. When the crowd dispersed, we moved closer to where Klassy and her husband Eric’s friends’ had a blanket nearer the stage, and I spent the rest of the afternoon just chilling as Black Keys took the stage.

Muse

I’m not very familiar with Muse and couldn’t appreciate their performance as much as a real fan would, but the laser light show that complemented their slower songs served as a hypnotic ending to the day’s events.

Bands I regret not seeing: Foster the People (they played the same time as MGMT and I wasn’t a fan until waaaaay after my trip!), Arctic Monkeys, and the The Decemberists (I had to leave San Francisco on the third day of the festival and missed them :()