Panglao, Bohol -- It took seven newly-minted high school graduates to help me find my muse. They say that the best way to discover a person’s true character is to take a trip with him or her. I say, that one of the best ways to navigate the tail-end of a midlife journey is to travel with a group of young 17 and 18 year old women to remind you of who you are truly meant to be.
I came here two years ago, all angsty then and in the throes of a full-blown mid-life crisis. I look back and smile on the journey that was.
Today, I’m here to chaperone seven young women, my daughter included, as they celebrate the end of their high school years with a trip to the sea and this lovely province of gentle, laid-back cultured people. This was exactly the kind of trip I would have wanted to take myself when I left high school except that times were different. My mother, then newly-widowed, would not hear anything of it.
Women have come a long way and younger women, more so, have become so much more empowered and independent. The irony of parenthood – you make sure to care for your children while they are young and vulnerable, but at a certain point, your duty as parent includes giving your children the wings to soar and fly while you watch them from the ground.
And this is how it’s been here over the last three days. I’ve been fully present but I don’t hover. I keep reminding myself that they are 17 and not 7. I text their mothers daily updates on our activities because being a mother myself, I would appreciate something like that. But generally, I keep to myself. Silently, I watch, checking in on them every now and then, making a mental headcount as they go off in groups of three or four, listening to their stories of heartache and joy without judging, and smiling to myself, remembering how it was when I was their age.
Girls today are made of tougher stuff. They excel in many fields that were once dominated by males only. As I watch these group of young women, I am glad to discover that they remain tender and soft in the places that matter. I watch in awe at their sisterhood, how they genuinely care and look after each other’s welfare and my heart is warmed. How freely they show sisterly affection towards one another, how generous they are with their praise of each other’s strength and yet gentle when there is a need to rebuke another. How engaged they are in the moment and how intelligent and deep their exchanges can be.
It has been said that midlife is like a second adolescence (hormones and all) and that’s exactly how it was for me over the last five years. In that sense, my life ran parallel to that of my daughter’s as I journeyed through my own crisis of sorts.
Yes, it has become more difficult to be a teen-ager, but also, there is a deeper well that they are able to draw from within. There is now a stronger knowledge and appreciation of the self, and a sisterhood or brotherhood that they can run to. As parents, it is important for us to show affirmation even when they are all-grown, and to know our children’s friends and know what they value and hold dear, during this stage in their life. I am thankful that my daughter has been blessed with a wide circle of support – a sisterhood that shares similar values, one that she can draw strength from when her parents aren’t around.
In that sense, her world today is much better than mine when I was her age, and I am grateful and at peace in knowing and experiencing that first-hand these last several days. To be honest, I was anxious about going on this trip – the burden of looking after seven 17 and 18 year old girls weighed on my shoulders. Then I watched and observed and learned to relax, to let go and enjoy the journey. As Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote – “If we are open and grateful for gentle lessons, new teachers will appear in our path. Serendipity can, after all, instruct us as much as sorrow.” And so as my daughter begins her adult life, I now begin the second half of mine.
